My Schizoid Personality Disorder

I am mentally ill. My condition is called Schizoid Personality Disorder, but this article isn't about that. It's about my experience.

If you want to know more about the condition, google it.

Diagnosis

I want to be very clear; I did not diagnose myself. I didn't type symptoms into a search engine and declare my own diagnosis after a few hours of googling. For this reason, I try to avoid the term neurodivergent. It's the correct word, but it's also the one used most often by people who were diagnosed by the world wide web.

When I was having problems I didn't understand, I got professional help. After several months of consultation and treatment with a psychologist, a neurologist, and a guy who based his doctoral thesis on me, I was diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder by a Clinical Psychologist specializing "in the clinical evaluation of individuals with brain injury/dementia/other neurological illness/or behavioral disturbance." (quoted from his LinkedIn)

I hated it. I thought it was wrong. I thought it was stupid. I thought psych. doctors were all worthless. It didn't offer me any recourse. The doctor said This is what's wrong with you and it's okay. You can live your life like this. We might even be doing you a disservice by calling it a disorder. I felt that this was worse than if I hadn't sought help at all.

That was some time in 2014. Since then, my problems have become worse and their impact on my life has also grown. I still think psych. doctors are worthless, but I have googled it since then and come to believe that the diagnosis was accurate. I still have no recourse.

Humans are Social Creatures... ?

I don't need or want human interaction. Contemporary research indicates that humans are social creatures with an inherant need for human interaction. Well, the phrase "exception that proves the rule" comes to mind.

We all experience social awkwardness. And, for most people, this is offset by the benefits of human interaction. People enjoy getting feedback from their endeavors, commiserating, sharing jokes or stories, and occasionally even sharing their social, political, or religious views. I don't enjoy these things. It's all awkwardness for me.

Sometimes I try to fake it, though. Sometimes it even works and people enjoy my company, but I am faking it. I'm not interested. Eventually people see through my insincerity and whatever goodwill I might've built up disappears.

I do feel rejection. People reject me because I'm too odd and it hurts. It's traumatic. I know I need to grow a thick skin, roll with the punches, and learn from my experiences, but knowing and feeling are different. All I'm learnin' is that I'm not good with people.

There's no other way to say it...

I'm an asshole.

What do you think of a person who's not interested in you, doesn't want to spend time with you, and won't fight for any principles? There may be gentler, kinder, or more tactful words, but this is the one that people will invariably use.

Does it matter that it's because of mental illness? I don't think so. It may be an untreatable psychological deficiency that's out of my control, but if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck...

Why now?

I've been around for more than a couple of decades. My career and my life have had ups and downs. Why is this so much of a problem now?

I dunno.

In the past I've earned respect for being focused on work. I've even been the focus of some affectionate teasing about "talking shop" at social events. Now, though, socials are more important than ever before and only people who can balance social and technical skills will succeed.

I also live in a foreign country where immigration laws prevent me from working locally. Maybe there was some nuance to working with me directly, when I worked in a traditional office, that prevented people from judging me so harshly, but that's not an option any more.

Summary

I ain't got one. Like I said... no recourse.

I'm also realizing at this point that I only described the problem in the context of work. Well, I want to work. I don't want friends and I don't want to be better at socializing. That effort would only lead to more faking.